My wish
My request for support
Since in Germany unfortunately, only guide dogs are financially supported by the health insurance companies, I need to ask you all for help. The running costs of the assistance dog will not be a problem, but the acquisition and costs of the training with support of a professional dog trainer will.
Here is a list of how much will be needed:
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40 € first meeting with the trainer
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about 1,500 - 2,000 € for the puppy (depending on breed and descent)
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costs for dog suitability test
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20 € for the preparation course
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20 € per theme course: cinema, train ride, bus ride
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approx. 60 individual lessons with the trainer each 65 € (depending on how many training hours we will need)
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costs for practicing in cinemas, public transport, etc.
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various leashes, vests and harnesses, as well as patches (e.g. "Do not pet")
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own and trainer's travel expenses
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at least 600€ for the final test so the the dog is officially accepted as a service dog
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150 € for the inspection 1 year after the exam
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150 € per inspection every 3 years after the 1st inspection
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a buffer (just in case)
= approx. 9.000 - 15.000 €
Any small donation means a lot to me and brings me closer to my desire of being able to do so much more again and to feel more joie de vivre, thanks to a service dog. ♥
How did I find out about service dogs?
For more than 2 years now, I have been following various service dog owners living in the USA on Instagram and YouTube, and I informed myself about the topic.
And as already described in the section "about me", I have been always sure: "Something is wrong with me, I'm different!" Since 2018, it is clear now, that my problems in everyday life are by no means a way of hiring on my part, but had their medical justification.
From then on I knew: a service dog would be the right aid for me too.
With which everyday limitations do I have to fight?
Limitations due to illnesses that are not taken into account for the severely handicapped ID card:
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aching muscles and joints, as well as dizziness and a disturbed sense of balance (hypermobility syndrome): often leads to the fact that I cannot bend down
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frequent headaches (migraine)
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dizziness (iron deficiency)
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a severely weakened immune system (EBV), and therefore often severe and long illness
Limitations and problems because of depression and borderline personality disorder:
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rarely really happy, only when with my cats
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strong mood swings: from 0 to 180 in less than 1 millisecond, without being able to counteract with the help of the so-called skills from the DBT
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self-harm thanks to the big problems with emotion control
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suicidal thoughts and wishes
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fears of rejection, but also of being perceived
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social interactions are pure stress for me and more exhausting than any physical activity: panic, shallow breathing, heavy sweating (suddenly sweat runs down my face during the conversation, bangs/fringe then are completly wet)
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too high expectations of me and others: everything has to be done 110% right: since this is never fulfilled, I am rarely satisfied with others, and at no time with myself
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I really cannot come to rest: when there is only emptiness in me it upsets me and I can't rest, when I fight with too many emotions I cannot calm down either
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thanks to great emptiness internally, there is often a lack of motivation to even start chores or do things
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the smallest details drive me crazy, make me restless and often aggressive: whether it is too loud chewing, the "wrong" way of holding knife and fork or simply the fact that someone looks at me
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If you address me by name, I either do not get it, or I think: "Hey, you know that name from somewhere, just how exactly? ... Oh yes, it's MY name."
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simple things like going shopping alone:
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when I'm in a department store all by myself, I almost always panic, because I fear not to find the exit or the escalator
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if my husband accompanies me and my stress level is too high, I will suddenly reach for his arm and yell at him to bring me outside immediately
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everywhere are people => stress
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many impressions pouring on me
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shopping for just 2 hours means that I won't be able to do anything for the rest of the day
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when the stress reaches a certain level, my breath becomes more and more flat without me noticing it, and I struggle with sweat attacks a lot
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when putting on and taking off my clothes, it can occur that I need my husband's help, because I have a panic attack and for me alone it would take three times as long as the panic leaves me breathless
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dissociation, loss of reality, hallucinations
Limitations in general due to the psyche, which does not necessarily stem from borderline or depression:
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going into the cellar alone: no matter how well lit the rooms are, I see evil lurking in every shadow and get hallucinations, my nerves will be wrecked for the next few hours
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spending the night alone at home: when my husband is visiting his parents or has night shift, I suspect a burglar at every sound, even going to the bathroom and then back to bed means pure panic for me, breathing gets difficult and I have to fight with sweats
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nightmares: since the age of 4, I can almost always remember every dream. Of all the dreams, not even a handful were ok. And no, these nightmares aren't about writing exams at school or falling into a hole. My nightmares are (for whatever reason) characterized by violence against me and violence that I perpetrate. So, nights about me as the cause for WWIII, me not being able to save people from getting murdered, or someone tortures, rapes or kills me aren't uncommon. Because my husband sleeps very deep and cannot be waken up easily, I often don't wake him up, even when I would just need consolation.
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sleeping alone is a must: apart from the fact that my husband snores every night, I cannot help it but if a person sleeps in the same room as me, it severely impacts my ability to get any rest
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crowds put a lot of strain on my nerves: often my vision blurs and I panic about how to get out of there as quickly as possible or what the possible escape routes are
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proximity in general, whether to strangers or to my mom or my husband, are exhausting for me and often more than unpleasant
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taking calls, regardless with whom: is very nerve wrecking, sweating and palpitations are not uncommon
Limitations due to sexual assault, which I do not want to talk about here for the time being:
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using public transport
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as soon as only 1 or 2 men stand or sit next to me, my breathing becomes flatter
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I look for escape opportunities and am thankful when women are close by
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workplace
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talking to the male manager alone in his office makes me more than nervous and the only thing that mildly reassures me is if colleagues know where I am
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if a male customer comes too close, I switch to the "survival mode" and can hardly remember the conversation, because my thoughts revolve around the possible attacks and approaches of the other person and I can barely breathe
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Since leaving the house always involves a lot of stress, anxiety and panic, I would theoretically never leave the house if I did not have to go to work, see a doctor or need food from time to time.
What are my hopes for a life with a service dog?
What are possible benefits that I hope to get from the support by a serice dog?
Help with general limitations, regardless of disability:
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Hypermobility syndrome: help if I dropped something and I cannot pick it up, lead me to benches when I'm exhausted
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dizziness due to iron deficiency: should I fall and cannot get up alone, he could make sure that others are aware of my situation and get help
Help with the problems of depression and borderline personality disorder:
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rarely really happy: bring joy into my life by sole presence
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strong mood swings: nudging, calming, shielding me or leading me out of the situation, helping to end the condition without injuring or attacking other people or myself
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self-harm: prevention, interruption
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fears of rejection and social interactions: calm down, keep body contact
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dissociations: licking and nudging, indicating what is real and what is not
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restlessness and emptiness: calm down through physical contact and remember to go for a walk
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the tiniest things are driving me crazy: stop emotions, if necessary also tweak or distract
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if you address me by name, I often do not get it: show that someone has spoken to me
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simple things, like to go shopping alone: would not depend on my husband to always come along, the dog would have a calming effect and lead me to safe places or out of the business if needed
Restrictions in general due to the psyche, which does not necessarily lead back to borderline or depression:
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going alone into the cellar: with his company I would not feel defenseless and he could calm me through body contact
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spending the night alone at home: would mean less stress and more security
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nightmares: comforting, helping to recognize what the reality is, helping to reduce panic and he could switch on the light
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big crowds: calming through body contact, shielding, leading me to quieter places
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proximity to others: reduce tension by body contact and proximity
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taking calls: without or with panic and stress would be so great, especially for future jobs, so getting calmed by licking and contact with the dog would help me a lot
Help with the limitations I have thanks to sexual assaults in the past:
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using public transport with men nearby: calming, maintaining body contact, shielding
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conversations with the male supervisor or the male customer comes too close: provides protection, shields, calms, leads out of the situation, helps to breathe normally and not to get insane through body contact
Thanks to the dog, I finally would have a real motivation to go out and leaving the house would finally be less stressfull.
It would also be a great relief for my husband not always having to worry about me and be ready to take care of me at all times. As a result, our relationship would also improve significantly, as it has been straining for years, as my situation did not improve, rather worsened.
Can I even take care of a service dog?
Things that, thanks to having cats since 2 years, pose no problems for me and that I have also learned from them:
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pet hair is normal, just vacuum or swipe and everything is fine
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at 5 o'clock in the morning I get up for a while to feed the cats, so going for a walk early in the morning is not a problem at all
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while the presence of people can cause discomfort, panic and more, being near animals calms me down
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when I have to deal with very strong feelings, for example mourning, I can find some rest by cuddling the "little ones"
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animals reassure me better than humans, because in such moments the touch on the part of people is more than unpleasant for me
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cleaning the litter box daily does not cause any problems for me, in other words, getting rid of the dog PooPoo would not be a problem
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any cables in the apartment are out of reach of the cats, so the dog would be safe, too
And should I be unable to take care of the dog for some time (hospitalization, etc.), my husband would be my dogsitter.
Unfortunately, the final costs can't yet be 100% estimated.